caraboska


The Fiddler on the Roof

Caraboska's Theoblog


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Caraboska emerges from beneath her rock: M Part VIII
caraboska
Praise the Lord

Last time you all heard from me, I had some weeks before received about 3.5 months' advance notice that M wished to break up with me effective 30 November. At first I wondered whether this was really going to 'stick'. Thus far it has. Our agreement (as I like to joke, one of the few things we've ever agreed about) is that we will talk on the phone for the next time in May. It was really hard knowing that I just can't call him for his birthday this year. But I held out, telling myself that I can go and give him his birthday wishes after church on Sunday. Frankly, it seems a bit superfluous now, the night before I would do the deed if I were to do it at all.

The flip side of having so much advance notice was that I had time to think about my future. Some people think it's weird we've done things this way, but for me (and evidently for him as well, or he wouldn't have suggested it ;) ) it was the right thing. So, the first question to ask was: Do I even want a companion now? And I had to admit I did. So the next question: Am I going to join Match.com or something to that effect? No. I don't really want to start totally from scratch if it can be avoided.

So the solution was to go through the list of all the men I know, cross off the ones whom I know to be married, taken, gay or terminally celibate - along with the ones who believe, for example, that they're allowed to have four wives - and come up with a short list of potential candidates for my attention. And that was the state of affairs when I arrived on the other side of the pond for my annual visit to the family and round of doctor's visits: there were three names. And the plan was to have that last long phone conversation with M on 30 November, see whether it's 'really over' and take it from there.

So I showed up in the States with my short list and the knowledge of what was to happen in my relationship with M in the more or less immediate future. However, I took no action until after that last phone conversation. Which went by quite uneventfully except in that it lasted considerably past midnight his time. And at the end, we simply had a brief discussion of what our arrangement would be from now on.

Basically, I would visit them for Christmas Eve as usual. And then sometime in January, I would visit them again and he would give back the sheet music from our ensemble. And I would try to finish the piece I've been writing for him for... how long? by then and hand him a copy of it, play it for him on my computer. And then maybe we would see each other from time to time if his folks invited me over, or maybe if he needed help with English or something he might call me. Maybe from time to time I might visit him in the choir  loft at church.

But it turns out that he would prefer I sit downstairs from now on at the services. And given the situation there, that means I'm not really welcome anywhere. And while I am reasonably calm about our situation, the prospect of hiding away in a little corner, welcome nowhere, hearing him playing almost the entire length of the service but no longer allowed to see him... I just can't do it. And between the various personal elements and the fact that doctrinal considerations exclude me from communion there, I doubt I will ever set foot in that place again.

We now have Christmas Eve behind us. Which actually turned out quite well, except for the moment when his dad tried to persuade us to kiss each other. That is something we never did while we were seeing each other, not even one chaste peck on the cheek, so it would be absurd to start now, when we have broken up. If anything, once M realized that there really was no elephant in the room with me, that we would indeed be able to carry on normal conversation, he seemed happier than I have seen him in a long time.

So what remains is that I still talk to his folks every Sunday night - after all, I am still friendly with them. It's a bit awkward. They think our (M's and my) arrangement of not talking on the phone until May is just plain weird and it disturbs me that he has not explained the situation more carefully to his family, even if I am heartened somehow that he did not consult them before breaking up with me. I sometimes have to actively prevent his parents from summoning him to the phone to talk to me. OK, they are both over 80, they are allowed to have senior moments.

In short, there has been no departure from The Plan thus far. Actually, now that I think of it, we were going to have one more meeting - to discuss a certain table with the details of two world views, which I had prepared and which M had agreed to mark up for me, indicating which items he agrees with, annotating with additions and deletions as necessary. Frankly, however, it's beginning to look like neither of us really wants to have that meeting anymore. It's like it's getting in the way of making a clean break.

And yes, I have begun thinking rather more proactively about my future now...
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